


Never gon-nya give you up. Never gonna let mew down.

by IceBreeze



Category: Bleach
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Found Family, Gen, Starts pre-canon goes post-canon but canon does not go here anymore, Urahara Kisuke is Yoruichi's Half Brother
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2020-05-22
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:01:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24327718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IceBreeze/pseuds/IceBreeze
Summary: “Hey, Kisuke,” Masaki asks, “Is the number of cats you have going to increase every time I come here? Do I need to stage an intervention?”“Have they increased?” Kisuke said, fanning himself. “Truly? I haven’t noticed.”Considering that he was currently sitting with at least thirty cats around him and Tessai sent her a picture every time they got a new addition (which was nearly every day at this point), this was bullshit. Ichigo’s head was barely visible where he was laughing under a pile of fur, and Yuzu had already started crying over how cute one of the kittens was. Karin was the only one uninterested in the cats, running around in the front yard with a childproofed short sword Kisuke had made her for one of her birthdays.“This is what, eighty? Ninety?”“One hundred and twenty seven, actually,” said the Norwegian Forest Cat draped over Kisuke’s shoulders like a particularly fluffy scarf.Cats really like Kisuke. Kisuke really like Cats. Ergo, they become something of an unconventional family.  This changes things.This changes many things, and it all starts because a five year old Ichigo finds a kitten on the road side.
Relationships: All of Feline Kind & Urahara Kisuke, Kurosaki Masaki & Urahara Kisuke, Shihouin Yoruichi & Shihouin Yuushirou & Tsukabishi Tessai & Urahara Kisuke
Comments: 9
Kudos: 143





	Never gon-nya give you up. Never gonna let mew down.

**Author's Note:**

> This idea started in a server convo and then one thing led to another and now here we are. I hope you enjoy!!

The city of Karakura always has been, and always will be, a strange place. This is as much of a fact as anything ever has been, and so the residents are used to it when things that are ??????? happen. They have to be, when there’s mysterious mass faintings every other Tuesday and gangs of hoodlums that look like they walked out of an early 2000s anime running around and people are sprouting super powers like it’s some kind of contagious disease. The unusual is their usual, and it will always be until the day that it finally stops.

The city of Karakura is a strange place, filled with rumours and hidden nooks alike, and there is one mysterious happenstance that everyone knows of. A rumour of sorts, except it is so much more. A rumour of sorts, and it started as a sprout which then became a flower which then became a tree, and over the years it is a tree that everybody has tried to climb. It is a rumour that everybody knows and nobody shares: it is common knowledge to the residents and a headache to the outsiders.

The city of Karakura is a strange place, filled with strange things, but none are quite as strange as the Urahara Shop. For all intents and purposes it is a candy store, albeit one that looks like it belongs in the ass crack of the Meiji era, and it had the good shit in terms of stock. It was a good store, a very popular one, and if you were to look at it, you wouldn’t see much unusual about it. This would be because it is not the store that is unusual. No, it is the owner, with his braid of star spun hair and a cane too heavy to just be wood, this pretty man who walks like he is a soldier and the world is his battlefield.

It is the owner, with his smile of full of secrets and a heart with cracks that not even gold fill.

It is the owner, and the cats that surround him like the could shield him from the world.

It is the owner, with his family made up of cats and lost souls, with the fan that covers his smile when you are nice to them.

It is the owner, who talks to them with murmured voices and light laughter, every step he takes followed by a few dozen tiny feet.

It is the owner, who is adored by all the stray cats in Karakura and who adores them right back.

The city of Karakura is a strange place full of strange things, but none are as whispered about as this:

There is a Candy Man in Karakura, and he makes every crazy cat lady look like a noob.

When it comes down to it, it started because of Kurosaki Ichigo and the hero complex that was there even when he was still too young to use the toilet alone. He was the protagonist, after all, and even if this is not the story we know, this is the kind of thing that remains a constant. In this story, in every story, Kurosaki Ichigo is the protagonist, and what is a protagonist without a chip on his shoulder and a need to save the whole damn world?

(It is a protagonist with decent mental health, but who needs that when you have a sword in your soul and things that need to be stabbed)

When it comes down to it, Ichigo is at the centre of everything, the sun around which the galaxy is built, and so he serves as the force which keeps the story moving. Without him there would be no story, and without the story there would be no him, and so he lives; and so he breathes; and so he exists, to fight in wars that were not his, to make friends and lose them and find them all over again, to level up with power ups that are never explained and trauma that is never addressed, to fight and fight and fight until his life is no longer profitable and then be shoved into a nuclear family with a wife he never speaks to and a child who could be his clone.

When it comes down to it, Ichigo is the protagonist, and this means he is the one who opened the box; he is the start, he is the end, he is the everything.

When it comes down to it, Ichigo is the protagonist and without him there would be no story.

Ichigo is the protagonist, and this does not give him autonomy. This does not make him free anymore than this is more than words on a page that only have meaning because of the order in which they are typed. He is a pawn in the hands of a writer who is playing at God and this is true in this story, in every story.

Ichigo is the protagonist, a chess piece in what we call a story and he calls a life, and so for all that things start because of him, it was not really his will that made it so.

When it comes down to it, my dear reader, this is not his story anymore than it is yours.

And so perhaps it may be more accurate to say:

When it comes down it, this story starts when Ichigo finds a kitten. It is a small kitten, with fur as black as the suit of a business student with a superiority complex and the shrieking mewls of something lost, something alone, something afraid.

Ichigo finds a kitten that needs help, needs protection, and if there is one thing that Ichigo is, it is kind; if there is one thing that Ichigo does, it is care.

Ichigo finds a kitten lost in a world that is not his, and so he brings it home. And perhaps this is where the story would end: a story of a little boy gaining a pet and a lifelong friend, a family unchanged except for this new addition and the wheels of Fate would continue chugging along in the direction that Kubo had laid out for it. Perhaps this would have been where we say goodbye, my dear reader, and we could all go on with our lives.

But no. This is just the beginning, I am not Kubo, and the kitten that Ichigo has found is not quite a cat. It is something more, something greater, and will be in a lot of trouble when its sister finds out.

It is not quite a cat, and so Masaki is alarmed when Ichigo brings it home. And in the Kurosaki family, the sensible response to being alarmed is to call the number saved to the landline as Phone A Friend.

Which she does, because Masaki is a very sensible person. It picks up on the fourth ring, and a cheery voice says, “Urahara Shop here, how can I help my favourite customers?”

“Kisuke,” Masaki says. “Why the fuck has my son brought home a Shinigami pretending to be a cat. Did Yoruichi shrink? Is this some new kind of gigai? Do I have a Hollow in my house?”

He hummed, and she could almost hear the gears in his head working. Was Tessai making sure he ate properly? Was he sleeping? Honestly, he was the smartest man she knew and yet so very bad at being human. She’d have to make him eat.

“Yoruichi is with me,” which told her absolutely nothing at all. “This kitten- describe it for me?”

She did, looking through the door at where Ichigo was playing with it, and when she was done Kisuke hummed again.

“What do you think?” he asked someone who is not Masaki. There is a few seconds, the murmur of Yoruichi’s voice just far enough that Masaki can’t make out the words, and then Kisuke says, “I see. Well, this is quite fur-turnate news, then, Masaki-san.”

“…did you just pun or was I hearing things?”

“Is it so im-paws-ible that I enjoy a good pun?”

“My ears are bleeding.”

“Oh, how paw-ful! Thank goodness that you’re in a clinic right meow.”

“Now I understand why you and Isshin are friends.”

“Maa, Masaki-san. You’re my friend as well, re-meow-mber.”

“True, someone has to be the brawn to your brains when Yoruichi isn’t around.” And then, “So what’s up with the kitten?”

“Well, I do believe that it’s a runaway. One we’ve been looking for, as a matter of fact.”

“Kisuke, for once in your life can you please give me a straight answer.”

“Nothing about me is straight.” And then, before Masaki could break something, “Yoruichi’s brother went missing from Soul Society a few days ago. We believe he did so using the Shihoin secret technique of Furrification.”

“Is that it’s actual name?”

“No, but it should be.”

“Okay. So what you’re telling me is that Yoruichi’s younger brother is in my house right now?”

“We’d have to see him to confirm it but yes, we believe so.”

Masaki breathed a sigh of relief, at that. Yoruichi didn’t talk about her brother often but he was only a child, and a sweet one at that. If it was him then she didn’t have to worry about the possibility of needing to murder a kitten in front of her son and two babies.

It also meant she had a reason to make sure Kisuke ate. Talk about killing two birds with one stone!

“Come for dinner tonight, then.”

“Alright. I suppose it’s best to do it quickly, before Ichigo gets too attached.”

Masaki looked at where Ichigo was cooing over the kitten, who he had affectionately dubbed Midnight The Tiny.

“Oh, it’s probably too late for that.”

And she was right. It’s always too late when it comes to not getting attached, even if the target of said attachment was a ghost in a fursuit.

Ichigo didn’t know what he was expect when Mom told him whey were having guests, but it certainly wasn’t this weirdo who looked like he’d walked out of a time machine. Or off a movie set. Maybe he was some kind of film star? He looked like he could be one. His hair was longer than Ichigo was tall, his clothes were ugly, and he kept on hiding his face behind a fan. Maybe it was to try and hide his identity? He even had a cane too, though that probably wasn’t part of the disguise. Maybe he had some kind of health condition? Or maybe he was just old.

If he was friends with Mom then he was probably old. Adults were like that, after all; it’s the law.

He didn’t seem to be a mean adult though, not like some of the people who came into the clinic. He gave Ichigo candy and Mom hugged him and Mom only does that to people she likes, and if Mom likes him then he must be a good person. He has a cat on his shoulders too, tail swinging lazily around, and only cool people got the Cat approval.

He was still weird, though. And old. And maybe a film star.

“Who are you, Old Geezer?” Ichigo asked, because for all that he was a sweet child, he was still a child and children could be blunt as high hell.

“Ichigo!” Masaki scolded. “Don’t be rude to Kisuke. At least call him Old Man.”

“Sorry. Who are you, Old Man?”

The man who is apparently called Kisuke smiled, electric-bright eyes shadowed under the brim of his hat, and the cat on his shoulder made what Ichigo thought might be a smirk. Can cats smirk? If that an expression they can make? Ichigo doesn’t know. The author doesn’t either.

“I am but a humble shopkeeper, Ichigo-san,” Kisuke said, and somehow Ichigo thought that humble was the last word that could be applied to him. “I own a candy store. The best in Karakura, in fact.”

“The only one in Karakura,” Masaki corrected.

“Because no-one else could compete with the Urahara Shop!”

Ichigo frowned. Mom had never mentioned a Candy Man before. Was it because she didn’t want them eating unhealthily? Dad always said that too much sugar was bad for you, after all. But Ichigo was a good kid, he wouldn’t eat too much, and the twins were too young to eat solids. Hiding it doesn’t make any sense.

Was it a secret Candy Store that only adults were allowed in? Why was the Candy Man here?

“Why is the Candy Man here?” Ichigo asked.

“Because I invited him for dinner,” Masaki said, gently pushing Kisuke to the living room and making sit down. “Some adults don’t know how to take care of themselves, and that means that the people who care about them have to take things into their own hands. Don’t grow into one of those adults, Ichigo.”

Ichigo nodded. He wouldn’t be a useless adult. He would take care of himself so he could protect other people. You can’t help people if you’re hungry or sleep deprived, after all.

At that point, a black blur ran into the room and up to Kisuke, mimicking a squeak toy with the force at which it was meowing. It was Midnight, the kitten Ichigo had found earlier, and Ichigo watched in amazing as they pawed at Kisuke’s leg, pleading until Kisuke reached down and gently placed Midnight on top of his hat. Midnight started purring then, tail swishing from side to side as if that was their favourite place in the world, and the other cat stretched up to nuzzle the tiny kitten.

It was a very soft scene, affectionate and familiar, and it made Ichigo’s heart squeeze. Midnight hadn’t been like that with him, even if they hadn’t seemed unhappy.

“Oh, good,” Masaki said. “You were right, then.”

“As I usually am, yes.” Kisuke smiled at Ichigo then, and said, “Thank you for taking care of Yuushirou. We were very worried about him, and its reassuring to know that he was in good hands.”

“You’re welcome,” Ichigo said. “Is he your cat, then?”

“Something like that. He’s Yoruichi’s brother.” The scratch Kisuke gave the big cats ears showed pretty quickly who Yoruichi was. “He went missing a few days ago and we’ve been worried sick.”

Yoruichi bit lightly at Midnight-who-was-actually-Yuushirou’s ears in reprimand, and Yuushirou looked about as sheepish as a cat could. Ichigo gripped his t-shirt, trying not to cry. This was a good thing, after all. It was selfish for him to feel sad.

“Does this mean you’re going to take him away?”

The two adults exchanged looks, and Masaki said, “His home isn’t here, Ichigo. It’s with his sister.”

Ichigo knew this, but he liked Yuushirou and when they were older the twins would too. He wanted this to be Yuushirou’s home.

“Maa,” Kisuke said, “You can visit him any time you like. I’m sure the kitty-cats would love to see a new friend.”

As if in agreement, Yuushirou meowed and Yoruichi jumped down from Kisuke’s shoulder to brush against Ichigo’s leg. Her fur was like silk, and when Ichigo reached down to pet her she nuzzled against his hand, purring. It felt a little like being blessed by royalty. It was nice. Ichigo felt calmer, now. Less like he might cry.

“Would you like that?” Masaki asked, crouching down beside him.

“Yes,” Ichigo said. “Yes please.”

When it comes down to it, the story started when Ichigo brought home one cat and Kisuke left with two.

Once they were back in the Urahara shop, Yoruichi proceeded to give Yuushirou the scolding of a lifetime. Yuushirou dealt with this like a champ, and by that I mean he stayed on top of Kisuke’s head and cried.

“But I wanted to be with you, Nee-san!” he wailed. “I missed you and Kisuke-nii. It’s not home if you two aren’t there.”

“But Yuushirou,” she said, her hands on her hips as she scowled. “You’re the clan leader now that I’m exiled. It’s your duty to look after the Shihoin.”

“I don’t care! They’re not my family, not with how they talk as if you’re the greatest shame on our clan and you should have let Kisuke-nii die!”

“They are your family! Father would-“

“I hate Father! He never acknowledges Kisuke-nii as his son! He acts as if you no longer exist just because you left! He says I’m weak for crying all the time! I hate him!”

“The Shihoin are going to riot- they’ll think I kidnapped you-“

“I left behind a letter of resignation as Clan Head and said if they try to come for me, I’ll go to the Commander General and demand my freedom.” He dug his claws into Kisuke’s hat, hackles rising, “I’m not leaving, Nee-san, and that’s final!”

Yoruichi hissed, turning her glare on Kisuke.

“Maaa,” he said, raising his hands in supplication, “I’ll have Tessai set up a bedroom for him.”

“Kisuke!”

“You know as well as I do that when he’s made a decision he’s going to stick by it. It’s better he be here where we can keep him safe .Yuushirou will get bored eventually, and then we can send him back to Soul Society safely.”

The staring contest went on for a few seconds before Yoruichi’s shoulders slumped and she sighed. “Fine. But only until he gets bored.”

Yuushirou, shouting in excitement, jumped off Kisuke’s head and became human so he could hug them both.

As you might expect, Yuushirou never got bored, and so he never left. Kisuke became accustomed to the company of two cats rather than just the one, the family together at last, and Tessai appreciated that there was one person in the house who respected meal times.

After four months, Yoruichi finally gave in.

“Alright then,” she said, “if you’re going to be a permanent resident here, I guess I may as well show you the ropes.”

“Oooo,” Yuushirou said, jumping around, “what is it? Is it a secret move? Is it a human thing? Nee-san, what is it?”

“You’ll see.”

And he did. The Kitty Information squad was an important part of their lives in Karakura, and it was one that Yuushirou was being allowed to help in. The two of them wandered through to where stray cats would gather, the cats telling Yoruichi what they knew about the happenings of the town and Yoruichi passing this information on to Kisuke.

“Oh,” Yuushirou said, “So this is how Kisuke-nii stays on top of everything here. The cats keep an eye out for you.”

“Yeah!” a three legged Siamese said, “Anything for the Candy Man. He always gives us sardines.”

“We love the Candy Man,” says a very large Maine Coon.

“The best human,” a Scottish fold sighed, dreamily. “He makes me miss having a home.”

“You knowing,” Yoruichi said, swishing her tail. “Kisuke would ne happy to have y’all, if you wanted to make his home your home.”

“Really?” the group asked, at once.

“Really. He’s always had a soft spot for animals. And besides, lord knows he needs some more companions in his life.”

And well, never let it be said Yoruichi had bad charisma stats.

If Kisuke was surprised when they returned with a pack of stray cats on their heels then he didn’t show it. Instead, he simply pulled his hair up into a bun so they couldn’t snag it, and knelt down as they all gathered around him. He murmured to them all, showering them with pets and affection, smiling with the soft delight of a lonely man surrounded by adoring cats, Yoruichi and Yuushirou scrambling up to his shoulders as the proud superiors of the Kisuke protection squad.

Tessai came to see what the noice was and was greeted by the sight of Kisuke covered in cats, most of which were real cats and not Shinigami in fursuits.

“I take it the family has grown once more, Boss,” he said, calm as always, but the way he quickly snapped a photo of the scene said it all.

“Yes it has!” Kisuke agreed. “Food first, then kitty spa?”

The answer was an overwhelming yes, if the chorus of meows was any indication.

“I’ll run the water.”

“Thank you, Tessai!” And then, standing carefully, “Come on, my purr-ties; it’s time for munchies!”

Tessai didn’t even try to hide the fact that he was filming the sight of Kisuke walking along with a dozen or so cats trotting along at his heels, but that was fine. Kisuke wouldn’t have noticed anyway, so caught up in euphorinya as he was.

Tessai saves the video to the folder titled ‘Boss’ and when he turns to deal with the water, it is with a smile on his face and in his heart.

“Hey, Kisuke,” Masaki asks, “Is the number of cats you have going to increase every time I come here? Do I need to stage an intervention?”

“Have they increased?” Kisuke said, fanning himself. “Truly? I haven’t noticed.”

Considering that he was currently sitting with at least thirty cats around him and Tessai sent her a picture every time they got a new addition (which was nearly every day at this point), this was bullshit. Ichigo’s head was barely visible where he was laughing under a pile of fur, and Yuzu had already started crying over how cute one of the kittens was. Karin was the only one uninterested in the cats, running around in the front yard with a childproofed short sword Kisuke had made her for one of her birthdays.

(It had taken all three children begging to make him give in, and what he came back with was just sword enough to make Karin feel cool and far enough from it to stop all adults in the vicinity from losing their shit. It made sound effects when she swung it, and lit up when she hit something. The actual material it was made from was questionable, but it was very bendy and neither hurt or cut, so Masaki didn’t have a problem with it.

Though now Ichigo wanted one too, and it was much harder to fool a nine year old with a budding hero complex than it was a toddler).

“This is what, eighty? Ninety?”

“One hundred and twenty seven, actually,” said the Norwegian Forest Cat draped over Kisuke’s shoulders like a particularly fluffy scarf. Considering that Masaki only knew two cats able to talk and neither of them were this, it was understandable that she jumped and swore. Loudly.

A bit too loudly, in fact.

“Mom said a bad word!” Ichigo cried, from under his blanket of cats.

“Bad Word!” Yuzu echoed, the kitten meowing as if in agreement. It was adorable, even if they were being little shits.

“If you promise not to tell Dad then Mom will buy you all whatever candy you want,” Masaki bargained, and like all good damage control, the children agreed with ease. Which meant she could turn back to dealing with the problem on Kisuke’s shoulders.

She stared at the cat. The cat stared back. She stared at the cat. The cat stared back.

“Oh my, Masaki-san,” Kisuke said, “It’s as if you’ve never seen a talking cat before.”

“Not one that big. It looks bigger than my daughters.”

“True, Tessai is a beefcake. It makes sense that would carry over to his furry form.”

“One of us needs to be able to bully you into taking care of yourself, boss,” the cat that was apparently Tessai grumbled.

“I take care of myself perfectly fine!”

This was perhaps the biggest lie he’s ever told in his very long life. There was not enough facial contortions in the world for Masaki to be able to portray her disbelief in that statement, but she tried anyway. Unfortunately for Tessai, feline facial muscles were just not as expressive as humans, so he had to settle for other methods of showing how unimpressed he was with that statement. Like gently hitting Kisuke in the face with his tail.

“Rude,” Kisuke grumbled. “I ate yesterday! And I slept!”

“Because we forced you to.”

“Forced?” Masaki asked.

Kisuke huffed, looking petulant in a way that was only 2% put on. Honestly, he’d been alive for so long and he still lived like he was a university student in deadlines week. He was the smartest man she’d ever met, and yet her nine year old was better at being human than him.

Maybe that was why cats liked him so much. They had a fondness for chaotic messes.

“If I skip meals or sleeping, Tessai and Yoruichi start lying down on my lab equipment whilst the regular cats meowed at the door.”

Masaki held up a hand and Tessai high-fived her with his paw. 

“Good,” she said. “I’m glad that you have a family to look out for you now. Even if said family is a heck of a lot of regular cats and three Shinigami in cat suits.”

Kisuke smiled at her, warm and genuine as was so very rare for him, and then there was a crash somewhere in the distance, followed by the sound of crying. A very familiar crying, at that.

“Is that-“ Masaki asked, only to be cut off by Kisuke thrusting Tessai the cat into her arms.

“Hold him for a sec,” Kisuke said, and normally Masaki would have been very happy to do so if not for the fact that it felt like her arms were going to fall off. Like, literally fall off; it was hard to keep a grip on Tessai, because that was one heavy cat.

Unfortunately, Kisuke was already gone so she couldn’t exactly say hey please take your overgrown cat bro back.

So instead she went with good old fashioned recreational swearing:

“Holy fuck, Tessai you’re heavy!”

“Thank you,” he said, fluffing up as he settles into her grip. “It’s all the beef.”

(When Kisuke eventually returned it was with a human Yuushirou in his arms and a cat Yoruichi on his shoulders, and the frown of a man who just lost some lab equipment he was very fond of. Considering that her children had fallen asleep under the ridiculous number of cats he had, Masaki wasn’t inclined to feel sympathetic.

She still invited him to dinner. Lord knows that man needs to eat more).

In another story, Ichigo saw his mother die at a river bank, a death at the hands of a monster he wouldn’t understand for years to come.

In another story, Ichigo grieves for the sacrifice she should not have had to do and he grows up harder, quieter, a boy who has carved himself after the parent he lost far too young.

In another story, Kurosaki Masaki was little more than a name on a gravestone, a footnote in the past; a woman known, a woman loved, a woman lost.

In another story, Kurosaki Masaki was another death to add to Kisuke’s guilt complex, another person he failed.

This is not that story, because tragedy is not welcomed in these halls. In this story, the Grand Fishers plans to monch are ruined by the presence of some very protective cats, and Masaki is able to get Ichigo away without any deaths happening.

In this story, the Grand Fisher dies at Kisuke’s blade, and the Kurosaki family remains hale and whole.

In this story, Kurosaki Masaki lives, and it was all because of the cats who call themselves Kisuke’s family.

My dear reader, Kurosaki Masaki lives, and everything is beautiful.

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr is [@polyhymina.](http://polyhymina.tumblr.com/)
> 
> My twitter is[@littlemisswrit3.](https://twitter.com/littlemisswrit3)


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